"Kiss My White Ass": Racist College Professor Suspended After Shocking Outburst

Chicago, Illinois

A Chicago college professor is suspended indefinitely following an exchange of banter in the classroom that devolved into a shocking display of racism.

Jessica Whitman, a 32-year old adjunct professor teaching remedial English classes for a measly $10.75 an hour, was suspended without pay by the administration after a student complained. According to our sources, Whitman was trying to get an unruly student to leave the room when the incident occurred.

"[The student] told Ms. Whitman to go make him a sandwich, that he wanted a sandwich. Ms. Whitman fired back: 'You can kiss my white ass.'"

Twenty-four students were present at the time of the racial tirade, some of whom do not identify as white. Our sources were unsure as to how the student involved in the scene chooses to identify. We reached out to the administration for comment, but our fifty-nine phone calls and one note slipped under the door were left unreturned.

So, we spoke to Whitman at her home to see if she had any regrets about her appalling lack of judgement.

"Do I regret saying what I said? I mean, obviously, since now I can't go to work and make money to cover the interest portion of my student loan payment. I already hit my EBT limit this month, too."

When pressed about the ethical consequences of her outburst, Whitman had this to say:

"No, I don't think I said anything wrong. My ass is white. In remedial English, I teach my students about adjectives. 'White' is an adjective that correctly describes my ass. I'm sorry that some people can't handle the truth. I don't like it either. I tried to get darker last summer, but I got a ticket from the police for public nudity. And I can't pay for tanning on this shoestring budget, so what else am I supposed to do? It's like I'm being punished for the color of my ass, which is obviously not something I can control."

Our interview with Whitman was cut short, as her ramen was getting cold. To make this article longer, we turned to 21-year-old Tyshawn Grey, a student in another remedial English class, to ask for his perspective on this incident completely unrelated to him.

The Whippington Post: "How would you feel if your teacher told you to 'kiss her white ass'?"

Tyshawn: "I'm not prejudiced when it comes to asses. You know what I'm saying? White ass, black ass, Chinese ass -- it's all good with me, you know? I'll kiss any woman's ass. I'm an equal opportunity lover, you know what I mean?"

The Whippington Post: "But consider this in light of history for a moment -- the fact that her statement could be perceived as a racially-charged putdown. Would your feelings change?"

Tyshawn: "Nah, I mean, I see where you're coming from, you know, with the social justice and shit, but ain't no way a racist white female gonna be teaching inner city remedial English, you know what I'm saying? You can perceive things any way you like, but at the end of the day you gotta look at the context. That's just common sense to me. You know?"

Editor's note: We pressed Tyshawn for a definition of his mysterious phrase "common sense", but he stated that he could not explain the concept to us. It appears to be related to an exclusive cult of knowledge similar to Scientology. The Whippington Post will investigate this further after pushing out twenty more pieces of clickbait.

In search of an educated perspective to give this article the appearance of legitimate journalism, we turned to Dr. Penelope Cortez, a grocery sales clerk with a PhD in Communications, to ask how Ms. Whitman could have avoided this outcome. According to Dr. Cortez, Americans need to be more mindful of the kind of insults they hurl at each other.

"As American society becomes more and more rude, selfish, and nasty, we're inevitably going to slip up once in awhile when we're being uncivil to each other. When does your everyday run of the mill abusive behavior become problematic? A lot of people in this country still don't realize that there are right ways and wrong ways to psychologically maim each other."

"I like to tell my clients, 'It's perfectly OK to call someone an idiot, a piece of shit, or a waste of space. But it's not OK to preface those words with anything that might target their gender, race, or sexual orientation. No matter whether we are male or female, black or white, gay or straight, we're all the same inside -- scared, alone, and full of self-hatred."

The college racism scandal is the latest in a long string of racist insults that is taking on the character of an epidemic in our nation's schools. Earlier this year, we reported on an incident at a neighboring Chicago high school where "Principal Murphy Sucks Big Black Cock" was etched into the door of a bathroom stall. Dr. Cortez says that these incidents are a sobering reminder of how race relations in the United States have worsened over time.

"The kid that scratched 'Principal Murphy Sucks Big Black Cock' into the bathroom door -- yes, that's a good example of what I'm talking about. Why couldn't Principal Murphy suck any cock? Why did the cock have to be black? What is that kid trying to say? Either it's more insulting because the cock is black -- implying black cocks carry a relative low or negative value -- or it's a statement of exclusivity, claiming that the principal, a high-ranking man, doesn't deign to suck any other kind of cock. I'm personally troubled by the suggestion that it matters what color of cock is being sucked. Listen, we're all feminists here. We know that vaginas are sacred and penises are dirty and gross. It doesn't matter if they're black, white, brown, whatever. I don't want any of them near me."

But 21-year old Tyshawn, who has extensive experience handling a cock, questions the conclusions made by Dr. Cortez.

"You know, I'm not trying to say anything bad about Penny. She always double-bags my groceries, puts the receipt in the bag without asking, sometimes she even smiles. I'm just gonna be honest, I would fuck her. But people getting all up in arms about petty shit, all I'm saying is some of us actually have lives we gotta live, you know what I mean? We ain't got time to sit around and pick apart people's words and get offended. We're busy dodging bullets out here. But Penny, she's cool though. I got some produce I'd let her bag, if you know what I mean."

Dr. Cortez could not be reached for comment. Our sources tell us that Dr. Cortez and Tyshawn were spotted fucking each other's brains out in Aisle 5, but as this is a politically correct newspaper, we are not at liberty to report on the color of the asses and cock involved.