How to Seduce the Man of Your Dreams

Have you ever woken up in a cold sweat with the realization that holy shit you're 27 already and at this rate you're going to die alone?

I, Jane Whippington, have some hard-won advice for you. I've personally lost count of all the men I've seduced. I don't mean to brag, but my skill level is so high that some of them weren't even aware of my presence at the time. Here are X rules to follow for successful seduction.

Rule 1. Realize that your dream man doesn't exist. Gals, let's be honest. Whatever kind of heroic and noble figure you are imagining at night as you roll around desperately fingering yourself in a state of virginal existential torment, he doesn't exist. It's a little known fact, but science has shown that men are actually human beings just like us. So think about how imperfect and pathetic you are. Now think about any man you could possibly meet within your lifetime. It's starting to look pretty grim, isn't it?

Rule 2. Pick a man and idealize the shit out of him. You know all that shit I just said about your next boyfriend being just as pathetic as you? Forget it. All of it. You can't seduce someone by being honest. So pick a man, any man. It can be that cute cashier at Whole Foods. It can be that guy who wears a trenchcoat to World History and spends the next hour and a half opening and closing his briefcase mysteriously. It can be the dude who comes into your apartment to fix the oven when you invariably break it again. It doesn't matter who you pick. All men are the same inside, just like women. We all hate ourselves.

Tip: If you're finding it difficult to choose, just find the biggest asshole you can. When he inevitably jumps off the pedestal you've placed him on and starts beating you with a two-liter of Mountain Dew, you can call the police and get him arrested, then use this sob story to make your life sound juicy and glamorous for the next sucker who rolls around.

Idealizing a man isn't hard to do. Just imagine that despite only being in his twenties himself, he somehow has the wisdom of the Dalai Lama, the patience of a saint, and the capabilty to not only right every single psychological wrong that both your parents committed against you, but also to rearrange you like a Rubik's cube into the perfect configuration of the woman you were meant to be before you became self-aware and understood that your existence was a mistake.

---

More Articles:

I Don't Need to Justify My Outrageous Fashion Choices -- Here's Why

I Stopped Showering for a Month and Found Out Who My Real Friends Were

I Changed My Gender Every Day for a Week. Here's What I Learned

Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

Natural Alternatives to Brushing Your Hair

How to Seduce the Man of Your Dreams