How to Fill That Gaping Hole in Your Life With Social Activism

Let's face it, gals. Life is nasty, brutish, and short. We all dreamed of becoming astronauts, paleontologists and olympic gymnasts, but 20 years later, we're banging out clickbait with a byline and sending drunken nudes in a desperate last grasp for significance. But put those phones away! We don't need men or meaningful careers to complete us. What we need is a cause.

I'm not talking about saving the whales or working towards world peace. That shit is for squares. We need something more exciting. Something that rips apart the fabric of society and forces everybody to have to modify their lifestyle to meet our demands. I mean, it's not like the outcome is going to make us any happier with our lives, but it feels damn good to trample people with a high horse for arbitrary reasons.

So, without further ado, here's how to distract yourself from the yawning abyss of meaninglessness and fool yourself into thinking you're the next Rosa Parks.

1. Choose the least practical cause you can think of. Helping the homeless in your city? Bitch, please. That actually requires you to care about other people. Try something more shocking and less helpful, like going topless in public.

2. Dress up your societal trolling with the fancy language you learned in Gender Studies class. Want to dazzle and awe news stations, impressionable 17-year-old girls, and sexually-deprived momma's boys into treating your cause as legitimate? Come up with a 20-page ideological manifesto on why you should be able to let your tits hang out at Walmart. No rhetoric is too extreme. Weave a glorious web of bullshit logic and confuse your reader into thinking you are a genius. After they're suckling your toes, use your newfound power to slam them with a guilt trip.

3. Compile a shortlist of guilt-trippy phrases to bully those with low self-esteem into supporting you.

Here are a few to start with.

"It's 2017 and there are still people who think women need to wear a shirt? I don't want to live in this country anymore."

"Don't want to see my tits? Move to Afganistan then, you fascist asshole."

"You think you can tell me what to wear inside your store? Who do you think you are, my father?"

By the way, don't worry if you can't think of these off the top of your head. As you gather steam and force more and more people to acknowledge your cause as valid, you will be able to incite more and more guilt by pointing out that pretty soon, your opponents will be on the wrong side of history.

4. Practice being outraged. Don't think you can muster up the energy to fight for your bullshit cause in the face of your empty existence? Nonsense! Like playing the piano or denying the reality that you will die alone, outrage is a skill you can learn. Here's how to do it:

Step 1: Say, "I am outraged." It doesn't matter how you are actually feeling at the time. The fact that you are outraged in principle is grave enough.

Step 2: Remain silent and allow the perceived weight of your outrage to rest heavily upon your victim. If you are interacting with them in person, give them your nastiest condescending look. This will surely crush them, because you and they both know that the world revolves around your opinion.

Step 3: Get more people to come do Steps 1 and 2 with you, until you get featured on the evening news.

5. Do some pointless demonstrations to get more news coverage. Let's be real. Here at the Whippington Post, we're always scraping the bottom of the barrel for some new excuse to sell more ad space. The news stations need you. They need you to strip in the street and hold signs that say "MY BODY, MY CHOICE." It's almost like you're doing a good deed. So pat yourself on the back, girlfriend. The world is a better place because of you already!

6. Practice self-care. It's hard being right all the time. So make sure you give yourself a breather. Go ahead. Have a pint of ice cream, watch some Netflix, and pet all eight of your cats. Make sure to invest in a good vibrator so that you aren't tempted to get along with actual men. Remember: cold, unfeeling plastic will never disagree with you or attempt to change your righteous point of view. Lastly, keep a bottle of wine under your bed. You'll need that after the post-orgasmic despair sets in and you remember that your youth is slipping away, you're still a clickbait writer, and you have no actual friends.

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